I want to have your abortion
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
