then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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