Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
