Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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