I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
