I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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