How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
