We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
