dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
