Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
