I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
