I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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