my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
