Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
