ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
