your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
