weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
