seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I didn't notice because vodka
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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