someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
