i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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