So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
