Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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