Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
