the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
