I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
How does one acquire holy water?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
