haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
