he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
