Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
