I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
