I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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