I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
