I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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