On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My feet surprised me
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