but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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