I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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