it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
