you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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