apparently the secret to your success is patron
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
