I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
