Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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