You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
