I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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