I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
