Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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