i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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