Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
