I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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