You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
