I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
