How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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