Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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