So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
