I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
