Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
organizing the empties. That sober.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
